in memoriam (verse XXVII)

I hold it true, whatever befall;
I feel it when I sorrow most;
It is better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all

i will miss her so much..

last night she called me..it swept away all of my bad thoughts about her..i was so stupid to even think about it..i thought she left me just like that because there’s someone new..i thought she forget our 6 years memories so easily..i thought all this time we’ve been together she only feels sorry for me, which make her hard to leave me..

now i know she also feel the pain..it relieve me..it’s not that i want her to feel any pain, but it comfort me a little to know that i’m not feeling this pain alone..she also love me, that all my feelings for her is not just for nothing, cause she also feel hard to leave me..

it hard for me to know that there’s someone new in her life, but that’s ok..if that person could make her happy, than i could let her go, she deserve a future..that way soon or later her pain will gone, i’m sure, she will get over me, maybe forget me..i keep saying to myself :  “if we can’t sing our love song together again, then i’ll only whispered it to her ears, just so she knows that i still remember..”

i won’t bother her, i know my position now, i’m outside her life’s circle..but i won’t stop loving her..i’ll stop wanting her, cause i know she’s already somebody else’s..but i won’t stop being there when ever  she needs me..

i will miss her so much, but hey, i’ll live..

time to let her go..

finally the day has come..actually it has been about 3 weeks since she text me and telling me that she won’t make any contact with me again whatsoever..after 6 years and then just a simple sms, and then nothing..wow..

but just tonight when i red her blog, i realize everything..she has found someone..you know,  people said that to deal with your broken heart you have to meet someone new to get over it, and i think she has..and the worst of all, if i remember correctly, i was the one who encouraged her to find someone new, so she wouldn’t feel too much pain if we brake up..nice piece of advice you egghead!!

hahahaha now i’m feeling and talking  like a true hypocrite..i don’t want her to be happy..well i want to, but not now, not so soon, not like this..why’s the ending part of our relationship end so fast? how can she forgot this past 6 years so easy? how can she moving on so quickly? she went just like that..is it because it’s the right moment? because someone is making a move on her?

many, and i must say, many, of my friends told me to use my common sense, make a rational choice..but all this  time i always think that love shouldn’t be always rational, love is crazy! love is about being there when the one you love needs you, no matter what..and now, now i feel like a complete idiot..i feel used..

am i so stupid to love her with all my heart, with all i am, all this years? is she not who i really think she is? one thing for sure, now i know that true love doesn’t exist..well i know it really sound cliche..but now i really know that for sure..there is no such feeling as love..it’s  just an imaginary and temporary emotion that you create in your mind, when you meet someone you have certain intend to.. you love  someone because he’s/she’s pretty, charming, rich, funny, and so many other reasons which are temporary, not lasting..and when these reasons gone, you’ll switch back to your common sense, your rational mind..and you’ll abandon your so called “true love”..that’s why husbands leave their no-longer-attractive wives..that’s why wives leave their no-longer-rich husbands..that’s why couples breaking up after sometime..and that’s why she left me..

the time has come..it’s painful, but it’s happening..coz believe me, she’s not coming back, she’s done with you, she’s leaving you, she’s dumping you..so now stop being such sentimental person, use your common sense, your rational mind..all this time your friends were right..let her go..

am i getting on her way?

started last october untill next january there are so many of my friends getting married. my close friends, friends from work, or just friend from a friend of mine..i think it’s the season of marriage (is that kind of season exist?), or maybe it is the right time for people of  my age to get married. if that so, why am i don’t feel the same?i’m not even close from where they are right now..and if someone ask me why, i’ll say it’s because of everything, the condition of my relationship, condition of my family, the condition of me myself..i don’t know, it’s everything..

and the most thing that killing me is when i took her to that every occasion, when i try to think how she feels about all this..you know women must have more sensitive feeling to these things..it makes me sad to look at her,knowing that i can’t give her the same thing that my friends gave to their soul mate..marriage.. if only the difference between us don’t exist, than it will be a different story (will it? do you think there is girl who’s able to accept your family condition?)

i don’t know, sometimes i think i’m only getting on her way..i feel like i’m the one who caused her unable to find someone perfect for her..it feels like i’m holding her down, make her unable to move on toward her happiness..God knows i only want her to be happy..

so lonely..

hey me, do you realize that everyone kinda forget you lately?

yes i know, i felt kinda neglected by everyone, felt so lonely..but never mind, i care less about these so called social life of mine. i have many other things to think about..hey, i still have my family on the weekend, and a handful jobs during weekdays, that’s good enough for me.

so why i still feel sad? hmm, maybe i’m just being sentimental..i’m so affraid that people (specially my friends) don’t like me, i have this obsession to make everyone likes me..but i think no matter how hard you try, it won’t be enough..coz people have this tendency to think about themselves. so, even if you always be there when they need you, but if you expect them to do the same, some times you’ll be disappointed.. but then again, never mind..

btw, i’ve been listening to rivermaya – you’ll be safe here these couple last days, very romantic song. . if i can, i want to sing this song to her everyday until forever..damn this difference is killing us.. (poor me and my stupid mellow personality)

..the story so far (and then what?)

it has been quite long since my last (and only one) post.. hey its my birthday by the way, happy birthday me !

anyway, many things happens during this past months, i’m trying a new career as a consultant (although still on telco) so far its rolling quite hip for me, pretty scary actually when you only have job for 3-6 months and often project doesn’t run continuously (if you live in indonesia you’ll know how scary it is to don’t have a job). but now i have many chances to meet many people, to learn many things in many aspects.and that’s a rare opportunity i think.

as for my personal life.. hmm, doesn’t change much, i have someone i love, a relationship, but still don’t know where this is going (sad but true, people said)..but actually i don’t care what people said, the only thing i know is that she makes me happy, and the only thing i care about is to make her happy (and what if the thing that makes her happy is to let her go? have you think about that, you stupid??)..well, if that could make her happier than she is with me, i think i’ll do it..

i also promise  i will give more attention to my family from now on, the 3 person left i have in this world. my dream will be to make them happy, not to let them down, and try to keep us together as one, whole family.. (or at least keep what’s left from us)

and now, on my 25th birthday, i would like to set some target. so whenever i read it in the future, i could remember, see whether their already achieved or not, and (maybe) sets some new target..so here it is (ehm..ehm) :

- 2 to 3 years from now, i had to have established what they called “kemapanan”, which translated as having my own house, car, and enough money in the bank

-  3 to 5 years from now, i had to set my first step towards independent business world, which i translate as having to set my first owned business

-after all those target achieved, than maybe i could think of something concerning my personal life (ha3, man i’m surely gonna end up alone)

their you go albe, so the next time you said “what the hell am i live in this world for?”, think about these targets, these goals, and story after story, chapter after chapter, that may come along while you struggle to reach them..

(hey, maybe life does exciting)

my blog, for me

finally i’m manage to have myself a blog, but not like any other blogs, i’m keeping this one just for me, which means i’m not gonna make out any publicity of it. i know it’s kinda weird, but i just want this blog to be like my life-journey’s notebook..i just want to write things that happens in my life.. i don’t think any one would be interested with my life story, but it is important to me..so, i’m just gonna keep it for myself..